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How to avoid traffic to your website!

Guy with gun and laptop

You’d think that some companies were actually trying to deter people from using their websites. You know the ones, they’re slow, clunky, poorly designed and hiding in the depths of Google below all the competition. Perhaps they’re just overwhelmed with work and don’t need an online presence, or just so superior that the entire world wide web and it’s all of its marketing potential is below them.

Who knows BUT if you want to make absolutely certain that your online marketing is completely defunct then follow these simple steps.

1. Hide

The first job is to hide, switch off all search engine optimisation work, stop writing blogs, remove yourself from social media and generally destroy your online profile. Yes, that’s it, if people can’t find you they won’t be a nuisance making enquiries about your product or service. But no, perhaps that would be too kind, after all we want them suffer a little first, perhaps let them find your website and then drive them crazy trying to use it!

2. Beware of great design

Step 2, now they’re on your website you must present them with poor design. This typically consists of using every available colour, typeface and drop shadows to really confuse your brand. It’s imperative that you don’t have a clear message or they will quickly understand who you are and what you’re offering. Often making things much, much bigger helps too, and create as much clutter as you can. Most important of all is to ensure the first thing the users sees is your telephone number, this will confuse them as they don’t yet understand what they’re buying, so won’t want to contact you.

3. Slow it down and test their patience threshold

This is an absolute must to avoid sales and web conversions. Slow things down! We’re all in a rush so this will annoy them immensely, think slow server, massive images and lots of unnecessary graphics. Yep, this will drive all your traffic to competitor websites.

4. Send them round in circles

Now we’re talking, the ultimate in driving people crazy. Bad navigation. You must ensure users can’t find what they’re looking for, try hiding content within links on your page, or better still get them to download pdf files. At the point when they may want to contact you get one of those free ‘are you human’ things so it takes ages to complete the form and they give up.

5. So what’s the message?

Don’t tell them, again they’ll really not like having to work it out. When you’re writing copy don’t use headlines, bullet points and make sure you use as many words as possible, as many words as possible, as many words as possible, as many words as possible, yep repetition is your friend. Also, include typos and use jargon, we’ve got lots of words in our industry, try; automagically, breadcrumb, deprecated, semantic – you get the idea.

ALTERNATIVELY, if you do want web traffic, and more importantly sales then contact us. We look at every aspect of your online marketing and work hard to help you succeed.

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